Where it started…
18 years of sobriety from first dealing with alcoholism and coming through the Orion Centre, a long time ago. 2023 I was increasingly getting stressed at work. Lots of things really. I did not identify them at the time but 2023 was a bad year at work. I came down with an illness at Christmas. Real bad. It was identified as Vertigo. No idea what vertigo was but I was very ill. Had time off work. I did not relapse during this time but by March / April I had started to drink in secret. It kind of made the vertigo feel normal.
My relapse was quick and brutal and I totally knew what I was gambling with but I quickly became helpless and within a few weeks my wife had discovered my secret and I had given in to the addiction. I went down really quickly. Bad withdrawal symptoms. My body was 18 years older and I was much weaker than the last time. I sought help quickly and once again the Orion Centre came to my rescue. I was humbled and grateful. I felt immense guilt and anxiety and regret to be back in the service again. I was assigned a key worker; Corinne. The Best!
By talking with my key-worker I think we established that I never actually had vertigo. This was a relapse in disguise. Stress had taken my body down and I was suffering physically. The relapse was coming!
My recent relapse has come when I am 56. I’m at a different stage of life. I still have financial responsibilities but I have less time ahead of me and for that reason I have chosen to change / adapt my life to achieve peace, happiness and fulfilment for the rest of my effective working life. Therefore, I have made an easy decision to give back this time. After all, my life has been saved once again by the service. This was talked through and I made the decision but could not have done that without my key worker.
The medical detox is the most important thing at first. I will always stand by that and I will always promote that part as medicine is a miracle drug. But going forward post detox then the groups are the miracle drug. I personally attended groups before detox. This is difficult and I fully appreciate that some people cannot always do that reliably. Chaos and ‘Mr Hyde’. I forced myself. Yes you turn up drunk or high but if you want this then that is what you need to demonstrate to yourself and to others. It’s not a deception to trick people into thinking you want to get fixed just to get a detox.
You have to be truly honest, transparent and something I regard as vulnerable / raw. These are the qualities that I feel you have to go in with. At the end of the day, it’s about you so deception is never going to work. I still had those deceptive thoughts; Am I tricking people with my demonstration of commitment? It is an imposter feeling that I carry but am aware of.
I genuinely believed that a relapse was something that either happened straight after a detox or within weeks / months. I had no idea that after 18 years I could relapse. This has shocked and scared me.
I told my key worker that I learned a lot from first time around and that this relapse I have not had time or been able to learn anything new. But as I have progressed through recovery I have come to realise that I am learning perhaps the things I’d forgotten but also new things. I now believe that without a relapse I did not know the full picture of addiction and the relapse was necessary for me to fully understand the nature of relapse. How would I understand If I had never experienced it? So, in a way I’m grateful. And yes I was wrong, I am learning from this new experience.
My regret and shame of being back in the programme, after so many years, has turned to gratitude and a want for helping others and to contribute. I have already forgiven myself. Something I learned from first time around was compassion and love. I became a better person and identified my defects and the things that had shaped my negative outlook on life and people. Feelings and emotions; being aware of them.
After this recent relapse I am now re-identifying the negative things that I’ve left get back into my life. I am learning new things but I have also re-awakened my knowledge from 18 years ago. I have had a kind of spiritual awakening thanks to Inclusion at Havant. This place has made me realise and helped me make those choices that I was not even in control of as well as actually making me medically better too!
My experience…
Since coming through the door of Inclusion and the Orion Centre I have been looked after, treated very well with kindness and dignity. I used all the groups available. I volunteered. I had a purpose and I was enjoying the involvement and responsibility. I always called the Orion Centre ‘my church’. It still is! Safest place I know.
I volunteered as a Service User Representative for approx. 9 months. During that I have had so much training and met others from other hubs in Hampshire. I’ve been involved in forums across the country. It’s been difficult at times but so rewarding and I can say truthfully that I have enjoyed it all.
Group facilitators past and present at Havant have been friends to me and excellent role models. This is what I needed. I will never ever forget my experience here. In time I shall forget the names I know but not the faces or the lessons and there isn’t a day that goes by that I think back 1 year and feel grateful and emotional about what the people have done for me in this place.
Thanking Inclusion and the individuals is all I can do but it does not give the full gravity to what they actually have done for me and others. I was helpless. I know I was. You made me help myself but also helped me when I could not help myself. I forgot who I was. One year on now and I am being discharged from the service. I have also taken the choice to move on from the volunteering also. It’s part of my recovery as I have a long term plan in life. I am sad to leave but I will never forget any of this. I owe you so much…